I am moved to create this post after seeing the movie BULLY, a story concentrating on child/youth aggression with no hope of progress or change throughout as it discloses a downward spiral of behavior with no solutions to, or reasons why, bullying exists. It is frightening to think a movie that opens with the suicide of a teen, stated as being the result of bullying, is rated PG thus permitting, perhaps even encouraging preteens to attend, many of whom would not understand, or even know about suicide. It is frightening to think that a child and to some extent a youth, possessing no logical sequencing ability due to the fact this part of their brain is just beginning to develop, is led to believe that their actions can be the cause of another’s suicide. It is impossible to connect this to the fact that the adult fear regarding this issue, now an epidemic, leads us to lecture children as young as 2 years old – teach respect from the crib. We engage toddlers in conversation about – “what is a bully,” “what does a bully do,” and “you can be a bully,” with many adults assuming children are born bully’s and need to be trained out of this state of being, otherwise why would we need to train children in respect at all. RESPECT IS NATURAL! This is, ironically, what is creating the very actions of a bully that we are trying to stop.

As I lead you through an investigation of hope, I will expose, but not divulge in, certain facts that lead to aggression in children and youth. One being that we have known for centuries that “bullying” behavior is evident in children and youth who live in environments of physical and sexual abuse. It has been known for years that child delinquents and criminals, even murderers, have come from some form of abusive background. This is critical information to know when dealing with the subject of bullying, but one we will explore more in depth later.

We begin simply from the transition of infant to toddler, the stage of development where training children in morals begins. This is the stage of crib to the “classroom” of learning, whether that be at home, daycare, preschool. We begin with the fact that adults are “teaching” immature brains that have just left the womb and are incapable of understanding verbal language, putting sounds of letters together to make words that have deep meaning, yet we present our little children with life situations that are to prevent them from engaging in negative behavior. Scenarios like – “if you are playing, what is something that another child can do to make you angry?”, and realize immediately a toddler cannot comprehend such a question and perhaps has not experienced enough of life to know what makes him angry, nor what anger is.  (ie. angry because someone knocked down my tower). in essence such questions are to engage the child’s brain to think of an act that could make them angry so that their brain can remember not only this act, but the feeling behind it so that the child will then connect that “if I feel this way when you knock down my tower, then you will feel this way as well if I knock down yours,” and therefore not engage in the certain act themselves in order to avoid hurting another. WOW! Even writing this feels confusing and long winded, yet it is the purpose behind the childrearing we continue to use today – the golden rule. Here is where we fail to achieve the results we are looking for, for many reasons.

“I AM ALL I NEED TO BE” is the wonder of a child, an innocent possessing the Right Brain function, allowing the innate understanding that we in this world are all the same. In a child’s mind, there is no color; no ugly; no conflict; no difference between them and another child. They enter the world not capable of concern regarding the statements by other children (I don’t like your shirt), not capable of reacting to their tower being knocked down. It wouldn’t matter to a child – they just move on. It is through the detailed lectures through social skills and expectations that children begin to see, and feel the emotions connected to “ugly”, “be angry”, and “conflict”. As stated by brain scientist Jill Bolte Taylor in her book Stroke of Insight (A Plume Book, 2006) “I needed to be told, otherwise I did not know.” Children are not angry that their tower is knocked down, unless they are told to be angry (“a bully is someone who knocks down your tower; you will feel angry”); they do not see an “ugly” shirt until they are told that “saying someones shirt is ugly is bullying.” In a child’s brain, one that sees and dissects non-verbal language, when they are told that it is a bully who “knocks down your tower” and you will feel angry, their emotional brain hears angry, feels the role play (I want you to look angry!) thus learns to feel angry, and is in essence now told to knock down the tower. The child’s brain, with no Left Brain function therefore no linear thinking, cannot connect “if someone knocks down your tower, you will feel angry so you should not knock down the tower of another child” therefore hears “tower knocked down” and they should be angry. Before that role play, they were not angry, did not have a file in their brain connected to “angry” and would therefore have moved on with their day, no matter what incident occurred. The brain that is free to build associations to innate goodness will thrive in environments that focus on the goodness, or conversely, will learn to “bully” through associations built around statments like – “what makes you angry;” “what does a bully do?”; “look for things that make you angry.”

I leave you with the beginning to the end of bullying. This journey will continue in increments, because even though the solution is simple, the explanation is complex, therefore cannot be done all at once. There is a clear solution to the elimination of bullying, one opposite the statement made in the movie BULLY – “asking children to stop bullying when they see it.”  We as adults see bullying as child to child, never adult to child, yet this issue is rampant in families, schools and communities. We see the solutions to this horrible issue through children. It is because we believe children can solve these issues that we have no solutions at all. In the movie, teachers and a vice-principal seem complacent and uncaring, and have no answers. Neither of these is true. The reason the school staff seems distant with this huge issue is because at the present time, no solution beyond “BE GOOD” has been introduced, and telling children to “be good” creates anxiety, frustration, anger, hopelessness and so much more, feelings that create negative behavior. Adults and the child-rearing techniques that have been constant for hundreds of years, are part of this creation and have to be its solution. We have the obligation to learn everything we can about bullying to stop it. So I am pleased to say that “asking adults to begin the peaceful solution to bullying”  will change homes, schools and communities.

For today, and all your tomorrows – Instead of learning to “be respectful” through “what is something that hurts the feelings of your friend,” and living through negative emoitons like “I AM MAD!”, exclaim to the children – “You ARE fair so you will play wonderfully together.” I AM ENOUGH! I am not a bully!

Just this simple statement will bring you success. Try it!

This break down will include facts about the brain in order to piece together solutions to peace and respect. When one begins to explore and understand this amazing human organ, one experiences a fascinating surge of empowerment and encouragement. Understanding what parts of the brain control our emotions and our behavior helps to immediately decrease stress and improve relationships between adult and child, and adults as well.

This news piece will concentrate on the mantra of A Life in Pieces, a fact that I discovered long before reading about the brain or any scientific facts about human behavior. “I am all I need to be,” a reflection of the innate goodness existing in children, is the heart of A life in Pieces. The truth that “children ARE innately good, seeing the world as “one” with all people viewed the same,” is a fact I intuitively discovered well before I finalized and began presenting A Life in Pieces. I did not create A Life in Pieces out of a fascination to learn more about the brain, or even to challenge the bully epidemic, I created it through personal experience, resulting in an awakening not only for myself, but my family as well. So imagine the joy I felt when discovering well into the growth of A Life in Pieces, that “innate greatness” is a fact shared and exclaimed by many. Neuro-scientists like Bruce Perry (“The Boy Raised by Dogs”) and brain scientist Jill Bolte Taylor (“My Stroke of Insight”), describe the innate greatness of children and understand that anything other than this state of being (i.e. being “bad”) is caused by the environment the child is in – how do adults react and treat childen. In comparing facts about the right brain (RB) and left brain (LB), and through exploration of child development (stages of brain growth), I realized the process of A Life in Pieces is conducive to calm and realizing peace and clearly demonstrates why we have “bad” behavior.

Children, very RB people, enter life not as judges, racists, bullies, but as kind, open-minded spirits ready to explore the world. There is the inherent understanding they are capable of “following rules” without being told or trained to do so. As seen in this puzzle creation by a teenage girl developing her character and understanding of herself, she claims “I AM UNWRITTEN,” meaning “understood and accepted by everyone, although not formally established.” This says to those who know her “I am going to be kind, respectful and observant of others naturally. You do not have to write these expectations down, nor instruct me in their meaning.” Basically, returning to the fact “I AM all I need to be.” This is of great benefit to recognize in any and all environments because it sets the mood/emotion for the day, being one of calm, acceptance and safety.  These are prerequisites to good behavior/positive feelings, as children function by the feeling/emotional part of their brain – the amygdala. This is the part that is developed at birth, ready to absorb everything that happens around the child, affecting who the child becomes.  With phrases like “YOU ARE GOOD!,” the behavior of the child is guided by the smile on my face, the joy in my voice, the enthusiasm of my body language and importantly the trust given by me that they are “all they need to be.” My day is filled with calm children giving their best.

In comparison, with phrases like “BE GOOD,” accompanied with expectations like “follow the rules,” stress begins to creep in unconsciously because this requires the thinking part of the brain – hippocampus – and the ability to think in a linear, logical fashion. Children’s brains are not capable of this because this part of the brain is not developed. (more on this fact throughout our discovery series.)

I leave you with a statement of success for home or at school/daycare – “Today is another wonderful day! All of you are extraordinary, kind and gentle (definitions for good) and so you will be respectful of each other and of me. Thank you!”

2012 is my year of redefining THE BULLY, and I give thanks to a wise participant who wrote- “I am in awe of the discovery of your program. I am a vice-prinicipal at my high school and I couldn’t understand why a bully was the way he/she was. Not once did I think to ask the bully “who are they?” I disciplined them and suspended them, but it never helped.” Words to grow from and succeed by. It is difficult coming out of a state of habit we have been engaged in all our lives. We as children and youth were suspended/disicplined and/or rewarded/punished so WE become productive members of society. Then, we as adults suspend/discipline and/or reward/punish children and youth so THEY become productive members of society.  In session we connect these two phases of our lives and it becomes clear to many they were not happy children with this child-rearing practice, therefore children today would not be happy. Most likely the process of reward and punishment was, and still is accompanied with the demand “BE GOOD,” a phrase of expectation that affects character and behavior because one feels they were/are never “good enough.” In session, attendees always equate “BE GOOD” to feelings of unwelcome; fear; creepy; anger; revenge; I am bad, and many, many more.

“A bully” is one of these children greatly affected by the way he/she has been judged and disciplined to “BE GOOD.” “A bully” has “bad” behavior for reasons often unknown to the adult (ie. abuse at home) and it is found that the bully, as his/her behavior worsens, is actually crying out for approval. Many have a hard time realizing that as the “bully” withdraws or becomes obnoxious, he/she actually needs more love and acceptance. And the higher the “bully’s” defences, the more starved and alienated he/she feels. This spirals into a vicious, never-ending cycle as this behavior tends to drive away the very acceptance and love he/she needs. The truth - ”A bully” is born innately good, just as all other children and desperately needs empathetic, caring adults around him/her. The “bully” will soften and naturally exhibit good behavior when compassion and respect is given.

Warm caregivers build warm feelings of love that build confidence and drive, allowing happiness and fun. There is nothing but progress and success as the child is guided to optimum growth in learning, relationships and/or workmanship.  A “bully” often looses this sense of warmth, love and confidence because we as adults see external behavior that is aversive and creates negative, distant relationships. Not once do we think to ask of the bully, “who are they?”

Thank you for hearing “the bully!” You will discover an inner soul worth knowing and caring for.

Through lunch and into the late afternoon, individual, unique puzzles were brought to life and showed clearly what we all need to remember and cherish about life itself – we are all different; unique; indivual. Noone is like me, therefore no expectation nor rule can really be assumed to fit the understanding of all people. “Be good” means different things to different people, therefore is not a directed or clear statement. Exclaiming always that we are already ” the expectation of the day” – i.e -respectful – relaxes everyone and learning is the focus day.

Thank you students and friends. This vision and program continues to grow with your beauty!

Welcome to my session with the Paliser teachers – districts surrounding Calgary. It was again a thrill and a stimulating challenge engaging attendees in the reinterpretation of “behavior problems”; basically facts about the brain because the brain is behavior. Throughout the powerpoint presentation, pieces of “life” connect and visually demonstrate how we are actually creating many of the behaviors we are trying to stop in our children and students. Scenarios experiencing feelings such as “what makes you angry”, affect the emotional part of a child’s brain immediately and stress to the brain the fact that it should be watching for the very situation that “makes you mad.” So instead of being able to “just let things go” – i.e. knocking down the tower –  the emotional brain now says – “be mad!”

Solution – Begin with a calm brain and state – “you students are all kind and good. I know that recess today will be wonderful!”                                             Junior High – “You students looked at, and experienced your fairness yesterday – time for a fair, cooperative, respectful  break!                                                  High School - “Good Morning empathetic, humane students! Our day begins with knowing we feel connected to your selves and to our fellow students and teachers. What a great way to start the day!

Results - Students will not be looking for what makes them mad and will coast through what could be deemed “conflict”. All is calm!

Today was a “good” day sharing my vision of hope and harmony for teachers and students from kindergarden to high school.

Introducing the group to the progressive, promising phrase “I am GOOD” brought about intriguing and “challenging” questions, mainly regarding the switch from “be good” expectations to the knowing that children are already good. Today helped solidify for me that being trained to look out for hypothetical confrontations and problems like, “what problem can happen at recess to make you mad?”; “what problem did happen at recess that made you mad?”; “what did you do about the problem that made you mad at recess?” creates a brick wall around our imaginations. We are unable to reinterpret behaviors, like interruption, as anything but a problem and we focus solely on these problems until they are “solved.” These problems rarely change through rules on the board (do not speak until spoken to) because they are generally impulses cued by stress due to some hidden factors within the child.

As facts about the brain were revealed, it helped clear the path to change because, since the brain is behavior and the brain is affected completely by the environment, de-stressing the students through “I AM GOOD” phrases creates environments with feelings of calm.  Calm means the stress systems are not activated. In this state, there is no adrenalin, anxiety and frustration. What passes through the body are hormones that promote learning and affection. In this place, we no longer have to worry about, or focus on “problems” because we no longer see them as such.